Dear Me.

If I knew three years ago what I was getting myself into, would I still have married Andrew and become pregnant right away? The short answer is "yes". But the long answer follows below...

Dear Kristi of 4 years ago,

You are about to go through four of the craziest years of your life. Right now you have a feeling that something "big" is going to happen in your life soon, but, believe me-the future you- you have NO concept of how BIG it will be. You're about to meet the man of your dreams, become engaged, married, pregnant, a mommy, pregnant again, and a mommy again... and that's all before 2009. Doesn't it sound exciting? I promise that it will be. But I'm writing to you to tell you that you only have about 15 months of being unmarried left, and you need to take full advantage of it.

Right now you have a vague concept of what marriage will be like. You envision the joy and comfort of having a husband. You think that being a mommy will be awesome. You get goosebumps thinking about how someday all of that might happen to you. But even in the midst of your daydreaming, you MUST take advantage of these last few months of singlehood. I'm going to share with you the things that you don't realize come along with marriage and parenthood. They aren't bad things... but they're much bigger things than you've before considered.

Most importantly, you need to know that life will never again be about only you. You probably don't feel like it is right now, but it is more than it will ever be again. In the first month of your marriage, it will be about your spouse AND you, then it will be about your in-utero baby, your spouse and you, and eventually it will be about your kids, your spouse and you. But never ever again just "you".

Right now you can volunteer for whatever you want... and you can also stop volunteering. You can work whatever job you want... and you can also stop working certain jobs. You can pray whenever you want... go out with your friends whenever you want... relocate whenever you want... shop whenever you want... eat whenever you want... travel whenever you want. You can spend as much or as little time as you want with friends and family. In fact you can do and stop doing almost everything you're involved in right now based on how you alone feel and what you alone need. You are, for the most part, 100% in charge of what you do. You're never going to have that freedom again... and it's not a bad thing... but it is a reality that you don't see right now. Your husband and your children will soon take priority over everything else in your life (other than God... but even your relationship with Him will struggle as you learn to adjust to your new life.)

I'm not telling you this to scare you or worry you. I'm only telling you this because I want you to take full advantage of your last few months of having only YOU to focus on. And the reason I'm writing this to you now is because of what happened to me (the future you) a few nights ago. I had a veritable Mommy-breakdown over dinner. Your oldest kiddo was done with dinner and needed to be cleaned up... your youngest kiddo insisted upon being held and nursed... and your husband had been at work all day so it didn't feel completely right asking for his help. All you really wanted to do was finish your own dinner, but after 20 minutes of attempting that, you just about gave up. You got frustrated with your husband, angry at your oldest, and took your youngest to have a diaper change. In the midst of it all you yelled a bit, cried a bit, and wished just a little bit that life was as simple as it had been 4 years ago.

It was at that point that I realized something more deeply than I had ever realized it before. I no longer had the choice to do or not do something based on my own feelings. My kids and my husband counted on me for certain things... and I was unable to say "no" even if I really wanted to. The option of being selfish no longer existed. The big stuff: I can't refuse a diaper change, or feeding my family, or going to work so someday we can afford a house. And the little stuff: I can't skip dinner, or go out with my friends on a whim, or lock myself in my room for a few moments of quiet. Nearly everything I do now has a direct effect on the well-being of my family... and my actions profoundly affect those around me more than they ever did when I was single. And I finally realized that I never thought about all of that stuff when I was where you are now.

But I would be remiss if in this letter I only told you about the harder things you're going to encounter. Because the next 4 years of your life are also going to be filled with more profound joy than you've ever experienced. Your wedding will be like a taste of the heavenly banquet. You'll feel so accomplished and empowered when you give birth to your beautiful children. You'll swell with pride as you watch them take their first steps, learn their first words, and become smarter and smarter each day. You'll thank God every moment for a husband who is so supportive and handsome and silly that he can even make you laugh in the midst of your tears. You'll feel blessed in ways you've never experienced and you won't regret one minute of choosing marriage as your vocation because you'll know it's where you're supposed to be.

So, Kristi of the past, I don't want you to fret or fear the changes to come, but I hope you take full advantage of the place you are in right now. Be happy... go out and have fun... and take a few moments just for you! Come May 6, 2006, your life will change forever.

Love you lots,
Kristi

2008 In Review

Got this from my SNL's myspace... I thought it would be a change from my usual "Top 20" list!

-What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before? Gave birth without drugs

-Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Well... I resoluted to lose weight, and about the time I started doing that, I got pregnant. So, no, I guess. And, yes, I will make more for next year!

-Did anyone close to you give birth? Kimmy did, I did, Kathy did... lots of people!

-Did anyone close to you die? not extremely close to me.

-What countries did you spend time in this year? Just the US.

-What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? a year without being pregnant

-What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? April 18th - major car wreck; November 6th - Baby Vince's birth

-What was your biggest achievement of the year? 9lb 6oz baby naturally!

-What was your biggest failure? spiritual laziness

-Did you suffer any serious injury or illness? The car wreck left me with a pretty wicked backache for a few weeks.. but other than that... no

-What was the best thing you bought? Berniece... our awesome station wagon!!!

-Whose behavior merited celebration? My parents, Linda, Lisa... and all of the other friends and family who helped us tremendously after our wreck

-Whose behavior made you appalled and/or depressed? I definitely felt at least irritated by a few person's behaviors, but those people don't deserve to have their names published on my blog.

-Where did most of your money go? to relieving debt and then savings!!

-What did you get really, really, really excited about? Our Babymoon and having a boy!!!

-Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? much happier
b) thinner or fatter? fatter, unfortunately
c) richer or poorer? richer

-What do you wish you'd done more of? Prayer

-What do you wish you'd done less of? Eating sweets

-Did you fall in love in 2008? Yes... with my little Vince

-What are the main websites you used? Gmail, Facebook, Babycenter and Blogger

-What was your favorite TV program? Heroes or Biggest Loser

-Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? No way... I don't think I hate anybody.

-What was the best book you read? The Great Divorce

-What did you want and not get? A bigger bed and a better couch

-What was your favorite film of this year? Juno

-What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 28, and I spent it with my family celebrating Christmas a little early.

-What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Having the wisdom to heal old wounds

-How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? Comfy and loose

-What kept you sane? My husband and my mom

-What political issue stirred you the most? Obama and the Born Alive Infant Protection Act

-Who did you miss? Sister Sophia Grace

-Who was the best new person you met? Esther

-Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008: Don't take your health and well-being for granted, because you never know when something (like a giant SUV smashing into you) could take it away.

-What sums up this year? (a word, a quote...?) "Life is beautiful"

A Festivus for the Rest of Us??

For those of you familiar with the sitcom Seinfeld, you may recall an episode or two where they speak of George's dad's self-created holiday Festivus. One of the aspects of this holiday is the "Airing of Grievances", which - if I remember correctly - means each person gets to tell the other guests just what they think of them and why.

This episode aired recently, and it made me think about what effect an "Airing of Grievances" might have on relationships.

I see two possible outcomes.

The first resulting possibility would be fighting. No one likes to hear why others are angry with them or why they've done something that offended someone else (especially if they're in denial that they've done it). Thus, many arguments would probably ensue, and it would be all around pandemonium. This is probably why there are many passive-aggressive people in our world. They figure it's better to silently punish their offender rather than actually break into an all-out argument with them.

However, the other possibility, (and actually how I envision an Airing of Grievances working in my family of origin) is that the airing of grievances actually FIXES problems. I think that too often people bottle things up or decide they're angry for a silly reason or would rather "keep the peace", and they actually end up making everything worse. From the majority of my life experience, I'd say things USUALLY get better when you're honest with someone. If you tell a friend or family member the complete truth (with tact of course) about why you're hurt, you clear up a ton of miscommunication and very frequently mend the relationship. I think, however, that it takes GREAT wisdom and humility on both the part of the person who is offended and the supposed offender to handle this situation in an adult manner. Most of us, including myself, probably aren't so great at being wise or humble when it comes to matters like this... but I still think getting stuff out of your system is way more likely to fix it than bottling it up and being angry forever.

Furthermore on this grievances topic, I'd like to say that I don't think EVERYTHING should be shared or discussed. For example, I don't think pet peeves belong in an Airing. I get really really annoyed at a lot of little stuff that people do, but most of it is WAY to small to even attempt to discuss with someone. My brothers pointed a couple of these "little things" out to me over Christmas when I was griping about some pet peeves, and they made me realize that I should probably just let it go instead of getting all cranky about it. And then there are other things - like disliking someone's haircut (Sorry, Joe) - that you probably shouldn't share, but it's okay to if you know the person you're talking to won't get too angry with you. :)

Okay... so I've finally officially blogged again. It felt like a lot of babbling, but that's how my inner-thoughts sound most of the time so welcome to my brain.

Merry Christmas!!!

My little Vince is a Catholic now!!

Along with all the other festivities happening this past weekend, little Vince got baptised. He cried the majority of the time because he was hungry and I could nurse him right then, but he did great when Father poured the water over his head. Welcome to the Catholic family, Vince!!

See the Sidebar

Whether you voted for Obama or not, please please please please see the ad about FOCA on my sidebar. What will Catholic hospitals do if Obama does as he promised and gets FOCA signed into law? I imagine they will have to shut down because there's no way they're going to be forced to dispense the morning after pill or perform abortions, and that is part of what the Freedom of Choice act will require.

Currently, there are 615 Catholic hospitals in the U.S., 1 of every 9. They employ 725k workers and serve 5.5 million overnight patients annually.

PLEASE SIGN THE PETITION TO STOP FOCA!!! Obama would not be popular among many of the conservatives who voted for him if he actually signs this into law. But with a democratic congress (the majority of which is pro-choice), it is an actual possiblity.

Can you tell they're siblings??

Mia at 1 day old
Vince at 1 day old

Vincent Joseph - A Labor Story

It's time to write this story down before I forget all the gory details (most of which I will spare you), but if you are anti-labor story, please feel free to skip this post!

For those of you who attempted to contact me last Wednesday, I must apologize for my lack of answering the phone and general lack of interest when I did. I spent most of the day on an emotional rollercoaster of feeling sorry for myself because it seemed I would DEFINITELY be getting induced. I hadn't told a lot of people, but I was really hoping to not only go into labor naturally this time, but to actually have the kiddo without use of drugs or anything, and I was INCREDIBLY depressed knowing that I'd probably need Pitocin to get labor started. I'd always heard that Pitocin makes labor about 20 times harder, and I just knew I wouldn't be able to do it without help if I had to be induced.

As a last stitch effort, I ate spicy foods for dinner on Wednesday evening and continued with some of the other old-wives tales that are supposed to get labor started, but I had pretty much resigned myself to a Pitocin-induced labor. Much to my surprise I woke up at about 3:30a Thursday morning with contractions that were definitely a bit harder than the ones I had been feeling for a week and a half. By 4:30p I started timing them and wondering if this could actually be the real thing. I woke Andrew up 20 minutes later and we discovered that they were coming about every 6 minutes and they actually hurt! I continued to contract like that for the next 2 hours and they were still going pretty strong by the time Andrew and I had to leave to go to the hospital for our scheduled induction.

After checking in, I told the nurse and resident that I had been in labor on my own for about 3 hours and wondered if my doc would let me continue on this path without the Pitocin. They decided they'd check to see if I had made any progress and then give her a call. It turns out I had gone from 85% effaced and dilated to 2cm with baby at a -3 station on Tuesday to 85% effaced, dilated to 4cm and baby at a -1 station by 8am on Thursday. I actually WAS in labor. They gave me about 45 minutes to go walking the hospital halls and then they said they'd break my water to see if they could pick things up.

At 10am, they broke my water and my sweet nurse told me that I'd probably start feeling the contractions even more intensely. I had progressed to 5cm by then, but, unfortunately, my contractions slowed down and seemed to get less intense after they broke my water. I was pretty bummed. By 11am, I was till between 5 & 6 cm and another call to my Doc said that she wanted things to go faster so they wanted to start the dreaded Pitocin!!! I was distraught. My contractions were hurting, I was progressing (even if slowly), and I was managing my pain pretty well. They gave me a few more minutes to get up and walk around, and said they would start the Pit at noon.

My nurse told me that I had been doing great managing labor so far, and she really thought that I might be able to muscle through the Pitocin. So I still didn't ask for an epidural or pain meds... I just let them start me on the drip. About 3 minutes after they started the epidural, my contractions went from fairly intense and every 3-5 minutes to INCREDIBLY PAINFUL and every 1-2 minutes. There was no longer a break to catch my breath. And when, by the grace of God, there was a slightly longer break between contractions, the break always built up into a longer and more intense contraction than the previous one. After and hour of enduring the Pit contractions, with lots and lots of help from Andrew rubbing my back and breathing with me, I told the nurse they needed to check my progression. I decided that if I hadn't hit at least 8cm, I wanted the epidural.

I was only at 7cm. The nurse called the anesthesiologist and started fluids into me so that I would be prepped for the epidural in 10 minutes. By the time she arrived, and they had me back up in the bed, the contractions were so intense that I could barely talk through them. I could barely scoot back to the edge of the bed, and when the asked me to curl into a fetal position, there was no way I could do it because the contractions were coming so quickly. They told me I'd have to lay perfectly still for them to get the epi in, and I knew that wasn't going to happen. The anesthesiologist finally told the nurse to check me again because she wasn't sure there was time for the epidural. And that's when things went nuts.

With the next contraction, all I could think was "I HAVE TO PUSH NOW!!!" and I'm pretty sure I yelled that. The nurse somehow got me into a position that she could check my progression, and I was suddenly 100% effaced, 10cm dilated and baby was at a +1 position (ready to come out!). The nurse had to start telling to just push a little bit with the contractions if it helped but she didn't want me to push too much because they needed to get the doctors and the other nurses in the room. Tiny pushes weren't working and Vincent was on his way. At one point there was a flurry of residents and the on-call doc into the room but I don't remember that at all. After about 2 more contractions his little head was out, but I was so tired that I couldn't push as hard. Andrew later told me that little Vince was turning blue and it was at that point that the nurse forced me to make eye contact with her and she said "Kristi, I need you to push NOW." So with everything I had left in me, I pushed one last time, and out came our beautiful baby boy! The doctors didn't realize we didn't know what he was so when they said "What a big boy!!!", Andrew and I just started crying. 9 lbs 5.8 oz and 20 inches long! All I could think is "How did I do that??!!"

As much as I wanted to go drug-free, I don't think I ever believed I'd actually be able to do it. I know that it was through so many of your prayers that everything went as it did. The fact that I went into labor on my own was a miracle in and of itself, but then to progress 3 cm in a 10 minute time frame just to avoid the meds at the last minute was another miracle on top of it. Thank you so much to all of you for the well-wishes and the prayers. We are so grateful.

Now little Vince and I are home and doing great. Mia isn't so sure what this new little person in the family means, but she's so sweet when she peeks in his crib and says "Baby Brother". Andrew is the proudest Papa ever with his little son at his side. Recovery seems to be going pretty well though the preggo hormones decreasing are definitely making me feel super funky every now and then. That's pretty par-for-the-course I assume after a pregnancy that had as many weird symptoms as this one did. Vince goes in for a weight check tomorrow, but he's a great nurser and I think he'll be back up to his birth weight in no time.

I can't wait to introduce our little boy to you. He's so awesome.